It’s summer time in the southern states. It’s hot, bugs, and other pesky critters are out in force. However, there’s one particular rodent that really takes the cake (literally if you’ll let it!) and that’s the squirrel.
Sure, they are fun to watch, you can even make obstacle courses and they’ll go through just about anything for a decently sized peanut! That’s not really my style though. I like to mess with their minds a little bit while I solve my own problems. This summer in the new house, birds have been after the garden more than squirrels, but in the past it’s taken some derring-do to combat the massive hordes of grey fuzzy creatures, so I’m just going to expound on my favorite (humane) technique.
Live traps, definitely live traps. You’ll need two of them, and a nice jar of peanut butter. I found that South Carolina (Pee Dee region) Squirrels like JIF the most, but your mileage may vary. Set up the trap near the feeder. Bait the trap with peanut butter- it’s fragrant and sticky, so it will attract the squirrels but not be easy for them to steal. Sit back and wait for a bit.
After a while the squirrels will notice this new thing in the yard and will at first be leery of it, but after a time they’ll get used to it- and smell something appealing inside. When they go to investigate a sudden CLANG! behind them will announce the beginning of their trip!
If you have kids or a small hyperactive dog (a Jack Russell terrorist is ideal), they will let you know when the squirrel has been caught. At this point you may be well advised to keep said children and/or idiot dogs at bay while you go to check. But once you have ascertained that you do indeed have a squirrel, you can let the kids and/or the idiot dog go check it out- but only for a moment, as the squirrel will not see the humor in this situation. (If it’s not a squirrel, best get them out of the way as quickly as possible. Possums and skunks also love JIF brand peanut butter!)
After you’ve peeled the idiot dog’s nose from the cage and banished it indoors, you can take the cage to the waiting car. Don’t forget to set and bait the second cage in exactly the same place! This is crucial! During this walk you may taunt the squirrel to let him know just where things really stand.
Put the trap in the back seat of the car with the opening facing the door. The squirrel may try to take revenge by leaving a few fragrant reminders behind, so an old battered quilt or some other form of seat covering will be desired. Drive the squirrel a mile or two away, pull off to the side, open the door, bring the edge of the cage to open space, inform the squirrel that he has tasted the last of your goddamn tomatoes, then open the end of the cage. Watch for the vapor trail as the suitably chastised and pissed-off squirrel heads for the nearest cover.
Repeat as needed. Because, hey lets face it, squirrels are pretty dumb. As far as the other squirrels are concerned, that other one just vanished! Poof, and he was gone! Their conversation probably went something like this (at least down here in the south)…
Squirrel 1: Hey, ya’ll seen Bubba around today?
Squirrel 2: Naw, pappy said he saw ‘em in that there yonder thingamajig abittago but ‘e jest dissappeared!
Squirrel 1: What’s that thing, it wasn’t ‘ere yesterday?
Squirrel 2: I dunno, but ‘e just vanished when he went into it…
Squirrel 1: Shore smells good though, it’s makin’ my mouth water.
Squirrel 2: Don’t you dare Bobby Jo…oh but yer darn right it smells good.
Squirrel 1: Lesgo check it out!
*Squirrels scamper over to what we know is the trap and Bobby Jo steps inside*
Squirrel 1: See! Nothin’ to it! Oh, look at this mess’a stuff! Mmmmm it smells so goo…*CLANG!*
Squirrel 2: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! *runs*
*all hell breaks loose as the dog and kid comes running, followed by an adult who swaps the cages out. Squirrel 2 turns to look back after running to save his hide, and sees…Bobby Jo has VANISHED! Gone! POOF!*
Squirrel 3: Mmmmmm what’s that smell? Oh! Whats that thing? It wasn’t here yesterday!
Squirrel 2: Don’t do it Fred! I just saw Bobby Jo walk in and then the next second he was just GONE!
Squirrel 3: Don’t be such a fool Eddy, it smells too good to be anything bad!
*FIN*
Meanwhile, you are solving your squirrel problem, the kid and dog are sitting quiet and transifxed on a metal cage with nothing in it letting you read in peace…