TwoDorks.net

  If I look hot, its because I was!  Brewing in July is not the best thing to do, but when one runs out of home brew…its the only solution!  This past Sunday evening was brew day with my father and Samantha in attendance.  Thankfully Samantha was very gracious and allowed me to put my 6 gallon carboy in the guest bathroom tub so I didn’t have to worry about the fermentation temperature too much (yeasties like it around 70-75 and its 100+ outside today!)  I still used the swamp cooler setup as the house hits 80 inside mid-day (programmed thermostat) but everything seems perfect 2 days in.

So, in 4 weeks, give or take, I’ll have another batch of Nut Brown chilling in my refridgerator…can’t wait!  Now, I know I’m going to catch hell from Sam because I talked about my BEER before our ANNIVERSARY, but in my defense we didn’t take any photos of the anniversary, and I DID have a photo dad took of me brewing.

As you may have rightly guessed, Samantha and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary at the Melting Pot in Myrtle Beach last night.  It was a very delicious meal, we did the Mojo fondue with the Pacific Rim selection.  There was duck, pork, sirloin, and chicken, with four potstickers.  Appetizer was the Cheddar fondue and dessert was ‘The Original’ as they call it, which is basically peanut butter and milk chocolate swirled.  In all, I like to be reminded why this is one of our favorite restaurants…but only once a year!  The ole’ wallet bursts a blood vessel just thinking about it.

It was nice yesterday to think back to what we were doing at any particular time the previous year.  Driving to the beach for dinner was timed perfectly as when 5:00 rolled around we looked at each other and grinned…that’s when the ceremony started.  It wasn’t the most pleasant for me, I had to endure 15 minutes of July heat in a black suit outside before I even got to SEE Samantha, but then she made it all worth it.  Recalling the recep…well, it was more of a party than anything was fun too.  We had to guesstimate at the times, because everything flew by so fast, but it’s not a day I think I could ever forget.  It was a ton of fun (I hope for all involved) and sometimes I wish I could rewind and experience it again.

No cruise this Summer sadly enough, which would be nice because right now I’d be sitting on a big boat…but we do have one planned with the family in December.  It is the last cruise of our honeymoon ports of call, so we didn’t see how we could posibly miss our last chance to relive it.

Sorry for the lack of updates this week!  Samantha and I have been decompressing at Smith Mtn. Lake with her parents.  It’s quite nice to wake up with a lake view, spend most of the day outside on the water in a boat, on a dock, in the water, or on a jet ski.  (Only thing that would make it better is having a sailboat up here!)

Alas, all good things come to an end, and we are about to go down to the water to enjoy our last day here before the 5 hour drive back to Florence tomorrow.  Tuesday it’s back to the grind for me…and for Samantha, well I guess she’ll be busting her rear napping on the sofa…

It’s summer time in the southern states. It’s hot, bugs, and other pesky critters are out in force.  However, there’s one particular rodent that really takes the cake (literally if you’ll let it!) and that’s the squirrel.

Sure, they are fun to watch, you can even make obstacle courses and they’ll go through just about anything for a decently sized peanut!  That’s not really my style though.  I like to mess with their minds a little bit while I solve my own problems.  This summer in the new house, birds have been after the garden more than squirrels, but in the past it’s taken some derring-do to combat the massive hordes of grey fuzzy creatures, so I’m just going to expound on my favorite (humane) technique.

Live traps, definitely live traps.  You’ll need two of them, and a nice jar of peanut butter.  I found that South Carolina (Pee Dee region) Squirrels like JIF the most, but your mileage may vary.  Set up the trap near the feeder. Bait the trap with peanut butter- it’s fragrant and sticky, so it will attract the squirrels but not be easy for them to steal. Sit back and wait for a bit.

After a while the squirrels will notice this new thing in the yard and will at first be leery of it, but after a time they’ll get used to it- and smell something appealing inside. When they go to investigate a sudden CLANG! behind them will announce the beginning of their trip!

If you have kids or a small hyperactive dog (a Jack Russell terrorist is ideal), they will let you know when the squirrel has been caught. At this point you may be well advised to keep said children and/or idiot dogs at bay while you go to check. But once you have ascertained that you do indeed have a squirrel, you can let the kids and/or the idiot dog go check it out- but only for a moment, as the squirrel will not see the humor in this situation.  (If it’s not a squirrel, best get them out of the way as quickly as possible.  Possums and skunks also love JIF brand peanut butter!)

After you’ve peeled the idiot dog’s nose from the cage and banished it indoors, you can take the cage to the waiting car. Don’t forget to set and bait the second cage in exactly the same place!  This is crucial! During this walk you may taunt the squirrel to let him know just where things really stand.

Put the trap in the back seat of the car with the opening facing the door. The squirrel may try to take revenge by leaving a few fragrant reminders behind, so an old battered quilt or some other form of seat covering will be desired. Drive the squirrel a mile or two away, pull off to the side, open the door, bring the edge of the cage to open space, inform the squirrel that he has tasted the last of your goddamn tomatoes, then open the end of the cage. Watch for the vapor trail as the suitably chastised and pissed-off squirrel heads for the nearest cover.

Repeat as needed. Because, hey lets face it, squirrels are pretty dumb. As far as the other squirrels are concerned, that other one just vanished! Poof, and he was gone! Their conversation probably went something like this (at least down here in the south)…

Squirrel 1: Hey, ya’ll seen Bubba around today?
Squirrel 2: Naw, pappy said he saw ‘em in that there yonder thingamajig abittago but ‘e jest dissappeared!
Squirrel 1: What’s that thing, it wasn’t ‘ere yesterday?
Squirrel 2: I dunno, but ‘e just vanished when he went into it…
Squirrel 1: Shore smells good though, it’s makin’ my mouth water.
Squirrel 2: Don’t you dare Bobby Jo…oh but yer darn right it smells good.
Squirrel 1: Lesgo check it out!
*Squirrels scamper over to what we know is the trap and Bobby Jo steps inside*
Squirrel 1: See! Nothin’ to it! Oh, look at this mess’a stuff! Mmmmm it smells so goo…*CLANG!*
Squirrel 2: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! *runs*
*all hell breaks loose as the dog and kid comes running, followed by an adult who swaps the cages out.  Squirrel 2 turns to look back after running to save his hide, and sees…Bobby Jo has VANISHED!  Gone! POOF!*
Squirrel 3: Mmmmmm what’s that smell?  Oh!  Whats that thing?  It wasn’t here yesterday!
Squirrel 2: Don’t do it Fred!  I just saw Bobby Jo walk in and then the next second he was just GONE!
Squirrel 3: Don’t be such a fool Eddy, it smells too good to be anything bad!
*FIN*

Meanwhile, you are solving your squirrel problem, the kid and dog are sitting quiet and transifxed on a metal cage with nothing in it letting you read in peace…

I’m gonna get me some yummy bagels when I get home from work today! Samantha decided to spend some of her afternoon cooking, and you can see the result! Score one for Matt huh? None of the labor, maximum enjoyment. Wonder what price she’s going to name?

In other news there’s…well not much news. Samantha is home again in one piece, I’m still at work all summer as usual while she frolics in free time. There’s some photos in our photo album of her little science pow-wow in Greenville (see the thumbnails at the right below, go ahead, click em, you know you want to!)

Well, at least I’m off this Friday for the 4th of July, and the following week we’re leaving for Virginia for a visit with Sam’s folks. Four days of sun and fun on the lake! Can’t wait to get away from the daily drag.

Woke up this morning to Roxy barking, she must have really had to go out as I swear she peed for ten minutes while I was fixing her food. I was still groggy, groggy enough in fact that licked the damn spoon I used to scoop out her RD and didn’t even realize it until I had vomit running out my nose. It was destined to be one of those days. One of those long, infinite days where everything goes wrong…

You would think with Samantha gone for a week I’d be out celebrating, huffing spray paint until my mouth and nose were Cheeto’s orange and my eyes were as dry as a nun’s chuff, drinking myself silly on home made booze while watching wild midget porn…or better yet participating. No…just…no.

It has been a vacation of sorts, a long mellow vacation coming home to an empty house every day after work and just chilling. Mellow…empty…chilling. Damn the house is quiet, except when Roxy and Gizmo go at it, then it gets quite noisy up until Gizmo bites the hell out one of Roxy’s ears and she yelps and squishes him with a paw. He usually yowls and bolts for the nearest hidey hole she can’t get into.

I played a trick on him last night though…I moved the sofas closer together. We’ve got 2 sofas that make an L in our living room so that everyone can see the TV. Usually he’ll run through the small space between them when he wants to get away from someone, or something (usually Roxy.) Joke was on him. Oh boy, he was running full tilt and WHAM! I swear he bounced back out from under the table and just had this groggy look in his eyes…sort of like “WHAT THE HELL?!” I couldn’t contain myself and laughed until I farted, which sent Roxy on a barking spree at the door, I mean damn…what kind of dog thinks a fart sounds like a knock at the door?

In the commotion Gizmo jumped up on the table and by the time I was coherent enough to look at him it was too late…he pushed my Coke Zero right off the table in square into my lap. Damn feline has some ‘roos loose in the paddock. Guess ultimately the joke was on me.

Typical.